I’m angry enough now to do something. I’m overwhelmed by the feelings in my body, a body one too many people have thought they have the right to. A body that has endured physical and verbal intimidation and assault. I was sexually assaulted in my first year of university. I was scared but I told my lectures what had happened and nothing came of it, until after I dropped out of university for my own safety. The day after I left, they tried to organise a meeting with the perpetrator to speak of what happened and try to come to a settlement. Not action against him, no suspensions or punishment, but a chat to see how we both felt. I knew nothing would come of it and couldn’t stomach seeing him so I pushed it down and ignored it. I tried to move on but his hands on my skin and breath on my neck are feelings I can never forget. One night in particular, the feelings became too real that I took an overdose to end then for good. I came back to and realised what I’d done. After a hospital admission and antidepressants, I began to move on and started somewhere new. It felt like a memory from a previous life, I felt like I was looking back on it from an outside perspective, watching the assault happen to a body I did not own. I thought I was processing it, I felt better. Until a male friend lost his temper at me and screamed at me over the phone over something trivial. The same feeling of terror came back. I knew I should speak to someone about it. I did and it covered the wound for a while until a group of men stopped me in my car and forced their way in. I drove with my doors locked from then on. It happened again, but this time when he couldn’t get in, he beat, punched and kicked my car to vent his frustration. What would have happened if the doors were unlocked? Would I be another statistic? Would I be violated again? Why has it happened to me again? Why when I speak of it do I think people will judge the validity of my accounts based up on how pretty I am, how likely it would be for someone to attack a 6. How desperate they must’ve been.
Sexism and misogyny are so ingrained within our culture that I can not even process the violence against me without blaming myself. It happens everyday. I think of it every day.