too young

i started to speak to a boy when i was 15. we properly met at a party a few weeks later. i got too drunk, threw up, passed out, and woke up with him lying next to me to keep me warm. i don’t know if i was hungover or still drunk or what but i lost my virginity to him. we dated for a year after that. he made me feel like i couldn’t do anything- my spine vanished and i relied on him to hold me up. he insisted on sex- as if blue balls was a painful medical condition and i was just being annoying. it hurt for me but it was easier to let myself hurt than to deal with him angry. if i put myself through enough pain sometimes he wouldn’t go and get high to calm down. he wouldn’t punch the wall next to my head.
he called me when i was on holiday with my family and pretended he had cancer. he had tonsillitis. i did not hang up on him because he always got angry if i hung up on him. he dumped me for another girl, occasionally sending me passive aggressive texts that refused to acknowledge that he’d hurt me.
i became a rape statistic at 16. now i sit in classes in listen to people make jokes about rape. i am friends with my rapists cousin. he doesn’t know what happened to me and i will never tell him.

i have friends with similar stories.